So, I have been thinking about my Saturday late night entry all day. Wondering.... Should I erase it, did anyone see it, what are people going to think, did Jerry read it? So, I decided today that I would share with Jerry that I was mad at him. His response was.... What did I do now?
As, I did a poor attempt of trying to tell Jerry why I was mad, I realized that I could not give one concrete, legit reason. What it boils down to is I am pissed about our situation.
So unfortunately, Jerry is the only tangible person related to my source of anger, thus this means I will be mad at him. Who else can I be mad at? As if being pissed at President Bush would do me a world of good.
It's late Sunday evening and I feel that my day was a waste. I spent a lot of the day crying, stressed about work on Monday, and not enjoying the day with Sophia. Thankfully a friend Tricia Zelenack had previously invited us to meet their new family addition Morgan. Sophia and I spent about an hour visiting with the family and catching up. I almost cancelled due to my attitude. It was probably just what we needed.
So, now that I found the source of my anger, does it mean that this part of the grieving process will be coming to a close???? I need to move on.
My next goal is to work on my exit strategy from the Fashion Industry. I have a personal goal of August to complete/make this decision. As everyone keeps telling me, I need to have a plan. I will work on the details and hopefully put my plan in action once Jerry gets home. Is it returning to Stenography school full time to finish my court reporting degree, or is it something completely different. I will be focusing my energy, praying for guidance, and probably bugging friends and family for their input as to what they see me doing.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Honesty
As I mentioned in the first blog, I am human and I was not going to sugar coat my thoughts, feelings or actions. So here it goes.... I am ANGRY. I feel rage that I can't explain or gain any sense of perspective. I can't make it go away. It's a poisonous feeling that I sure hope will leave soon.
I take it out mostly on Jerry when he calls, always communicating as little as possible, Or, I don't return calls to friends because I just can't say something nice. I do the least amount of communicating at work as possible, so I don't show the anger.
Every once in a while an unsuspecting Soul will ask me at the right moment "How I am doing" and I will try and communicate but it usually ends in tears and then I feel horrible that I dumped my shit on their plate. This just happened the other day, where I called a PEO sister & thanked her for sending me the summer schedule and I ended up crying on the phone to her. How embarrassing.
I HATE being a single parent, I HATE Jerry for leaving me behind to do everything. I don't even care that Jerry has a 3 person room, he is in 140 degree temperature, his feet are constantly covered in sand. That's what he deserves for leaving us.
As I write this, I can clearly see that I don't have a single lick of perspective. I will be ready for this part of the grieving process to leave my system. So, as you can tell, this is why I have not communicate via the blog.
There has been many great milestones in Sophia's life. She is crawling all over the place and very fast. She screams at the Opera pitch every time we walk up or down the front stairs. Sophia loves our cat Bernard and can see a dog in the park a mile away. She has 8 teeth and I think one of her back teeth are coming in. She is going to be 1 year old June 2nd. I just bought her a new car seat and she is facing forward and loving life in the car. Sophia's favorite foods are Pineapple, Sweet Potatoes, Pickles, Cheese, Cheese-its, and animal crackers. She still is the happiest baby and bald.
I take it out mostly on Jerry when he calls, always communicating as little as possible, Or, I don't return calls to friends because I just can't say something nice. I do the least amount of communicating at work as possible, so I don't show the anger.
Every once in a while an unsuspecting Soul will ask me at the right moment "How I am doing" and I will try and communicate but it usually ends in tears and then I feel horrible that I dumped my shit on their plate. This just happened the other day, where I called a PEO sister & thanked her for sending me the summer schedule and I ended up crying on the phone to her. How embarrassing.
I HATE being a single parent, I HATE Jerry for leaving me behind to do everything. I don't even care that Jerry has a 3 person room, he is in 140 degree temperature, his feet are constantly covered in sand. That's what he deserves for leaving us.
As I write this, I can clearly see that I don't have a single lick of perspective. I will be ready for this part of the grieving process to leave my system. So, as you can tell, this is why I have not communicate via the blog.
There has been many great milestones in Sophia's life. She is crawling all over the place and very fast. She screams at the Opera pitch every time we walk up or down the front stairs. Sophia loves our cat Bernard and can see a dog in the park a mile away. She has 8 teeth and I think one of her back teeth are coming in. She is going to be 1 year old June 2nd. I just bought her a new car seat and she is facing forward and loving life in the car. Sophia's favorite foods are Pineapple, Sweet Potatoes, Pickles, Cheese, Cheese-its, and animal crackers. She still is the happiest baby and bald.
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